B-Rant

- submitted by s.levenstein on 10/06/2009

  

Bamboo Milk In The Shower... Who Needs Real Sex?

By Steve Levenstein

"What the hell is Bamboo Milk?", I called over to my wife the other evening while watching a little TV. Now, not much fazes her when it comes to commercials for the expanding universe of women's cosmetic products that seem to dominate television's ad wasteland these days, but the mention of Bamboo Milk caught her attention -- and she was as mystified as I was. Something was up, and I meant to get to the bottom of it.

I often mock these commercials for hair conditioner, body wash and the like. Ever notice how every single hair product ad uses slow motion to show how great one's luxurious flowing locks will look after using Product X? Never mind that no one's hair actually moves in slo-mo unless it's been shampooed with a bucket of molasses.

Then there are the exotic ingredients like jojoba oil, shea butter and my favorite: ylang ylang. Do the women who douse themselves with these bizarre concoctions even know what they are? Do they care? Evidently not, as my long-suffering wife uses them while blissfully ignoring my blistering criticism. Except for Bamboo Milk.

Using the amazing and free resources that are Google and Wikipedia, I eagerly searched for one whacky ingredient after another, time and time again finding that while they may not be spectacular, they ARE real. Even Shea Butter, which is not some slimey mystery goo stuck to your sleeve after a Mets game but "a slightly yellowish or ivory-colored natural fat extracted from fruit of the shea tree by crushing and boiling." Wowzers... but real though it may be, I still wouldn't want to rub it into my non-slo-mo man mane.

Encouraged and feeling somewhat chastened -- maybe cosmetic corporations aren't all total sleazoids AND women aren't all mindless consuming drones -- I moved on to Bamboo Milk. Surprise, surprise, it's real too! A little TOO real...

Here's the skinny on Bamboo Milk, as found in Nivea Happy Time Shower Cream (and Beauty Bars) with Bamboo Milk & Orange Blossom Scent: according to the Patent Storm website, "Bamboo milk is an extract obtained mainly from the leaves of Bambusa vulgaris." What's so vulgaris about this Bambusa? Read on... it seems that, and I quote, "a substance called 'Bamboo Milk' can be obtained from the culms (main stems) which is said to be both a stimulant and an aphrodisiac." Hey now!! Stimulants and aphrodisiacs in your body wash? It's not only more likely than you think, it's happening as you're reading this!

Aha, so much makes sense now. No wonder Nivea named their new lotion and soap "Happy Time". Almost every review of this product at the Makeup Alley website sounds like the text version of an orgasm. Oh yeah, they lovin', I quotin': "I wished it lasts longer out of the shower"; "It says it's a touch of happiness. It really is!!"'; "OMG, I thought Bath and Body Works and Caress had my heart, but after seeing the commercials for this and loving the body wash, I am a believer"; "Love it love it love it!!!"; "LOVELOVELOVE". And that's just the first page.

Holy moly, Nivea's done it -- they've managed to bottle sex and sell it in the store. I take back what I wrote about cosmetic corps not being sleazy; they've taken the concept to a whole 'nother plane. So slugger, next time you're glued to the game while your wife or S.O. is singing in the shower, consider that all is NOT right in your world. Bamboo Milk is here... couch potatoes should be afraid, VERY afraid.
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Steve Levenstein was born & raised at the then-northern edge of metro Toronto, Canada. Looking through the prism of the suburbs has not only given him a slightly skewed view of society, but has also helped frame the wider world as a series of variations on a theme. Closer to home, Toronto's multicultural mix acts as a rich, vibrant tonic -- an essential elixer that, by putting people out of their place, highlights the common humanity which lies within.

After a 15-year dip in the corporate pool, Steve abandoned the daily commute to focus on his first love, writing, and spending time with his family. Steve's wife of 18 years hails from Tokyo, Japan, and provides a unique window into the delights and diversions of modern Japanese culture while his 2 sons (the younger an established tech blogger in his own right) help keep the house from getting too quiet. Steve writes for a number of respected blogs including InventorSpot, WebUrbanist, Dark Roasted Blend and The Thinking Blog