B-Rant

- submitted by b-team on 10/10/2009

A Message To Our Bird-Brained (Bird Loving) Neighbors

By The Disgruntleds*

Dear Neighbors:

We're writing this to you because, frankly, we think there's a better chance you'll understand it than the 1000s of birds you invite into your yard each morning starting around 5:40 A.M.

We say "invite" because, well, installing 100s of bird feeders all over your property is a helluva pretty clear welcome mat to the bird population in our area. And not just our area. Have you seen those big black spotted ones? And those bizarre red-green ones that look like flying salamanders? They're not from anywhere near here. They're from other continents, a bird expert recently told us, and no doubt were invited by their bird friends here to come on by, join the party...the food is cheap, the space comfy, the human neighbors idiots.

Thing is, we like birds. No; we don't really like them but we appreciate their beauty and grace. They are gorgeous, lyrical even, soaring above the clouds.

We'd just like them to remain above the clouds, at least before 8 A.M. Because the sound they make, all 1000s of them together, converging on your yard just after dawn, flapping, laughing, eating, partying, is not at all graceful or beautiful. It's a f**king aerial assault. Like the joining of 1000s of flying, wacking weed wackers, or power mowers or...you get the point.

One question we've asked ourselves recently is, are you people deaf? Are you out of your lunatic minds? How do you sleep or read or prevent your heads from exploding each morning? We've stopped by a couple times, of course, suggested you scale back the feeders. You said you'd see what you could do. You seemed like otherwise "normal" people.

But the bird feeders remain, just a few yards from our bedroom. We know it's a little neurotic but sometimes we can't even fall asleep at night, knowing that around 5 or 6 A.M. we're going to be stunned awake by the marauding bird-posse.

So, here's the deal. Either remove the bird feeders (or at least, say, all but 1), or bring them inside your house, invite your flying noise-makers to join you in your bedroom, your kitchen, wherever it is you spend your ear-splitting time. We'll give you, say, 48 hours.

If you don't fix this, we'll do it ourselves. How? It'll be a surprise. But, do you remember the Alfred Hitchcock movie, The Birds? Remember how pissed off and furiously destructive those freakazoid birds acted? Think of us as those "Birds"-- your "Birds." Only we're more pissed and furious. We're more creative. And (we don't really want to spoil the surprise) we know how to use power tools, the kind that can chop and dice and disintegrate pretty much anything into a pile of dust (bird feeder dust). But, like we said, we don't want to spoil the surprise.

All Best,
Your Sleep-Deprived Neighbors

*Names changed to protect the furious....read more rants