B-Rant

- submitted by s.levenstein on 12/21/2009

  

Hooray for Santy Claus, Martian Girls and Ice Cream Pills!

By Steve Levenstein

Tis the season for Christmas movies on both large and small screens. Christmasterpieces and Christmesses, well-loved chestnuts and others that should be roasted over an open fire; once Thanksgiving ends the frosty filmfest begins.

You'd think that by this time Hollywood had worked every possible plot outline to death in an effort to find something, anything new on which to hang a holiday flick and you'd be right. You were right nearly half a century ago when one of the all-time celluloid clinkers, Christmas or otherwise, hit the nation's theaters with a resounding thud.

I'm referring to that 1964 cult classic, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians", released on November 14th of 1964. Dished & dismissed by some (ok, most) as the Plan 9 From Outer Space of Christmas movies, SCCtM plumbed the cinematic zenith on multiple levels.

Sure it was cheaply made, badly written, poorly acted and had a plot shot through with more holes than a wedge of Buggalo cheese -- and was just as smelly. No one can argue that, but I have a soft spot in my heart for the film and though it might be a fool's errand I'm here to show a little love for this lonely poster child of the "what were you thinking??" school of film-making.

I only realized the scale of SCCtM's astounding awfulness when I watched it as an adult. As one excruciatingly miserable scene lurched to another, I wondered what I had even seen in this forgotten, misbegotten film.

Then it came to me: I was only six when I first saw it and it was playing in a movie theater -- a big deal for a little kid. From the point of view of a first-grader, then, SCCtM takes on a whole new light. The flimsy plot didn't have to make sense. The "jokes" didn't have to be funny -- there was no laugh track and any smart pop-culture humor (not that there was any) would have eluded us anyway.

The basic story of good vs evil with a happy ending was what we expected and that's just what was delivered. There was even a maddeningly catchy song, "Hooray for Santy Claus", that could be enjoyed on its own merits without the need to sign a sanity clause.

My mother took my sister and I to see the film one chilly December day and I give her full credit for sitting through it. As for my sister, she probably enjoyed it even more than I did... then again, she was only 3.

The things I remember most from that long-ago afternoon outing were the two Martian kids, one of whom was played by then 10-year-old perennial Vegas chanteuse, frequent Tonight Show guest and the pride of Hoboken NJ, Pia Zadora.

Yes, THAT Pia Zadora, the Paris Hilton of the '80s. I only learned of this lately -- probably poor Pia didn't want her youthful starring role in a much-mocked flop to taint her lucrative later career as a (*cough*) serious actress and recording star.

Best of all, though, were the food pills the Martian kids ate instead of real meals. C'mon now, what 6-year-old wouldn't kill to eat food pills at every meal? I thought this was the greatest thing since sliced bread... in pill form. When they brought out the ice cream pills for desert, it was only the Greatest Thing Ever.

I left the theater that day in late 1964 on a high, my young and impressionable mind swirling with images of ice cream pills and Pia Zadora. Hooray for Hollywood? Nah, Hooray for Santy Claus!
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Steve Levenstein was born & raised at the then-northern edge of metro Toronto, Canada. Looking through the prism of the suburbs has not only given him a slightly skewed view of society, but has also helped frame the wider world as a series of variations on a theme. Closer to home, Toronto's multicultural mix acts as a rich, vibrant tonic -- an essential elixer that, by putting people out of their place, highlights the common humanity which lies with.

After a 15-year dip in the corporate pool, Steve abandoned the daily commute to focus on his first love, writing, and spending time with his family. Steve's wife of 18 years hails from Tokyo, Japan, and provides a unique window into the delights and diversions of modern Japanese culture while his 2 sons (the younger an established tech blogger in his own right) help keep the house from getting too quiet. Steve writes for a number of respected blogs including InventorSpot, WebUrbanist, Dark Roasted Blend and The Thinking Blog.