- submitted by s.levenstein on 07/29/2009
Coming To A Menu Soon: Rat Filet And Cockroach Scampi?
By Steve Levenstein
Like a black-hatted rustler staring down the dusty main drag of some two-bit cow town, humanity has thrown down the gauntlet to the world's varmints -- fur-bearin' or otherwise -- with a snarled "This planet's too big fer th' both of us!".
The critters are a'payin' -- ahem, paying heed too... you don't argue with Big Oil, Big Business or Big Anything, Incorporated, you just get out of the way. Indeed, the earthly ark is emptying in leaps, bounds and, dare I say it, floods. Even the creatures we like having around are flying the coop; maybe because they don't feel the same affection for us as we have for them. Ingrates.
Anyway, at the rate things are going all the "nice" animals will soon vanish, leaving us with, well, what we deserve. Goodbye cute honeybees, hello pesky mosquitoes and cockroaches. Farewell charming penguins, howdy noisome pigeons. So long noble tigers, g'day icky sewer rats.
Kiss zoos goodbye too, 'cause anything left moving is nothing you or your kids want to see displayed: just try charging admission to Slug World. Odd, isn't it, that once the good have gone, what's left will be the bad and the ugly? I guess we'll just have to live with the consequences of our ecological mismanagement... nah, we never do that.
We didn't become the top planetary predators by making our beds among the rats & roaches... well, for a time we did but that was before Levittown. Nope, we may shed a tear or two for our dearly departed furry/feathered friends but then we'll pull up our socks and co-opt the remaining dregs of the animal kingdom to serve us, instead of us serving as their mobile blood banks.
We'll start with pigeons -- a moveable feast if there ever was, located conveniently right in the heart of our cities. Plumped up by tons of bread crumbs and crackers tossed by generations of little old ladies, pigeons are the other white AND dark meat. And don't shudder, we CAN eat pigeons.
Ever heard of "squab"? You'll be hearing it a lot in the future. Our recent ancestors loved to eat pigeons, especially those of the Passenger variety. Flocks of billions that darkened the skies for three straight days were quickly reduced to a few wishbones and a hearty belch. Poop on our statues, will you!? Revenge is, as they say, a dish best served cold... with a side order of fries.
Next, rats. I foresee vast, sprawling rat ranches peppering the countryside, replacing those environmentally unfriendly cattle feed lots and pig farms. Mouse is in the house, baby!
Rats don't eat grass or corn, they eat garbage and that's one commodity that's never in short supply. Plus, you ever seen a rat turd? They're tiny and therefore, odorless. Nearby communities won't have to contend with the overpowering stench wafting from pig poop lagoons nor consider that liquified porcine poo from said lagoons is routinely sprayed over their vegetables while on the vine. Er, I'll pass on that salad, thanks.
Last and least, the humble cockroach and its buzzin' cousin, the mosquito. The skeeters are easy -- our scientists will tweak the genome of the females such that they no longer suck our lifeblood. I'm talking mosquitoes here, remember.
Male mosquitoes suck on plant juices already so the chromosomal fiddling should be a cinch. Then we program their tiny brains to visit as many flowering plants as possible, pollinating then in the process. Yep, mosquitoes are the new bees! Memo to scientists: work on Tiger Mosquitoes; they already look somewhat bee-like and Kelloggs will pay big bucks to replace Tony the Tiger ("the what, grandpa?") on Frosted Flakes boxes.
With that chore out of the way, keep the eggheads busy with Project Cockroach. Like rats, cockroaches live in/on garbage and have not been considered as a source of food -- yet. That time is about to come. Cockroaches (like nearly all insects) are packed with protein and are, basically, li'l landlubber versions of delicious shrimp and lobster. With a little selective breeding for size and tastiness, maybe color (make 'em red), we'll be chowing down on "scampers" and "land-gostinos". Throw one on the barbie for me, eh mate?
So really now, let's not let the coming global warming environmental devastation thing get us down. Instead, look for that silver lining and snatch triumph from the jaws of disaster! I smell victory already... in the form of rat bacon.
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Steve Levenstein was born & raised at the then-northern edge of metro Toronto, Canada. Looking through the prism of the suburbs has not only given him a slightly skewed view of society, but has also helped frame the wider world as a series of variations on a theme. Closer to home, Toronto's multicultural mix acts as a rich, vibrant tonic -- an essential elixer that, by putting people out of their place, highlights the common humanity which lies within.
After a 15-year dip in the corporate pool, Steve abandoned the daily commute to focus on his first love, writing, and spending time with his family. Steve's wife of 18 years hails from Tokyo, Japan, and provides a unique window into the delights and diversions of modern Japanese culture while his 2 sons (the younger an established tech blogger in his own right) help keep the house from getting too quiet. Steve writes for a number of respected blogs including InventorSpot, WebUrbanist, Dark Roasted Blend and The Thinking Blog. ...read more rants
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