Overheard in the Burbs

Officer, If I Was Speeding, We Wouldn't Be Having This Conversation

Driver: (pulled over, side of ride)  But I wasn't speeding.

Police Officer: 85 in a 40 miles an hour zone.

Driver:  That's impossible.

Police Officer: What?

Driver: If I was going that fast I'dda left your sorry ass in the dirt.

Worst Boyfriend Ever?

Woman 1: Who's your worst ever?

Woman 2: (pauses) Kyle. 

Woman 1: How come?

Woman 2: He called me Kate.

Woman 1: Huh?

Woman 2: Always. He said I looked like a Kate, not Laura. Sometimes I wasn't sure he knew my real name.

Woman 1: Sick. Why didn't you dump him?

Woman 2: I did...eventually. But I liked the name Kate too.

But Officer, It Wasn't My Vomit

Judge: You have been charged with driving while intoxicated. You have a right to an attorney. Do you wish to retain one?

Defendant: No. I didn't do it...

Judge: Were you driving? 

Defendant: Yes, but...

Judge: Were you drinking?  

Defendant: Yes.But...

Judge: (reviews notes) Were you found on the side of the road covered in...vomit?  

Defendant: (hesitates) It wasn't my vomit...

Judge: You want an attorney. Don't you.

Defendant: Yes.