B-Rant

- submitted by a.v. on 08/18/2009

  

Infomercial Heaven: "You're Going To Love My Nuts!"

By Amy Vernon

I am in love.

The object of my affection is not a man -- well, not really, anyway. A man is involved, but he's not the true focus of my ardor.

While watching The Weather Channel recently, I saw the ad for Slap Chop. It was love at first sight.

Wait. Let me step back for a moment.

Now, you have to realize that I don't see many commercials. I watch almost everything on DVR. And I don't usually sit around watching The Weather Channel. I thought this commercial was brand-spanking-new. And I thought that Vince, the star, looked suspiciously like the disgraced ShamWow guy, too. Of course, it turned out he IS the disgraced ShamWow guy, and this commercial even pre-dated his disgrace. I just thank the gods of television advertising that they did not stop airing this ad.

Because when Vince, the host, said, "You're going to love my nuts!" I almost fell on the floor.

The other day, I heard that line, "You're going to love my nuts!" as I was walking out of the room. (The Weather Channel is the default station when we turn on the television, so it's on a lot.) I stopped in my tracks and watched the rest of the commercial, entranced. I was trying to decide if the commercial was real. I mean, the guy was talking about his nuts. Sure, he meant actual nuts, those things that grow on trees, but still. He knew exactly what he was saying. He's from New York. You can tell from his accent.

When he got to the part about how when you take the Slap Chop apart to clean it and it opens, "Like a buttahfly," I was ready to get on the horn and order a half-dozen. Fortunately, if you order one, you get TWO. Plus, two Gratys, which are really nifty cheese graters that you can store the cheese in and leave it in your fridge. No, really.

I was thrilled when the commercial came on today and I had the opportunity to watch the whole thing (the short version). I hate to admit it, but I made my son move out of the way so I could watch it and asked him not to interrupt. I'm not a bad parent, really. I was just mesmerized.

I've always loved watching infomercials. I stayed up super late one time hoping to catch the Great Looking Hair infomercials — remember, the hair in a spray can? Ron Popeil ("Now how much would you pay?") of Ronco is a personal hero. ("Set it and forget it!") His sweaters are awesome, too.

And I'm still in mourning for Billy Mays, he of Oxiclean and Mighty Putty ("BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!") - whereas Michael Jackson's death kind of left me cold.

I even sat through Cher's Aquasentials Skin Care infomercials back in the '90s. More than once. And I was always mesmerized by the Ginsu knife commercials. I loved when they cut through the nail. THEY CUT THROUGH A NAIL!

Infomercials are, I think, so very American. People like me actually sit there and watch a half-hour advertisement! I don't even watch the 30-second ads during my shows anymore, thanks to the DVR. But the infomercial? Dude, I am SO there.

I worry about its future, with the move to TV on demand. Not every infomercial is wonderful; how would I know which infomercials to seek out?

I can't imagine a world without the Slap Chop. And Vince's nuts.

I refuse to imagine that world.

_____________________
Amy Vernon is a contributing writer at Burbia and a regular blogger.

Amy grew up on Long Island and has lived in the Chicago, Miami, Phoenix and New York metropolitan areas at various points in her life. In other words, she's spent her entire life in the suburbs, except that summer she interned for The Courier-Journal in Kentucky, though the Louisville neighborhood she lived in seemed pretty dang suburban.

She has a bachelor of science in journalism (that's a B.S. in journalism, get it?) from Northwestern University and worked for newspapers as a reporter, editor and blogger for nearly 20 years before she was laid off in the great newspaper culling of 2008.

Amy now works from home as a freelance consultant and writer with her husband, a writer/actor/stay-at-home father who has taken on the additional role of office manager as she settles into her new life. Her older son, Rafael, loves zebras, giraffes and elephants, while the younger, Markus, is utterly obsessed with the "Chicka Chicka Boom Boom" book and DVD.

Got all that? You can find Amy online waxing poetic about television -- particularly 24, Battlestar Galactica and Lost, not necessarily in that order -- at The TV Tyrant or follow her on Twitter @amyvernon.  ...read more rants