Woman Voice: Hi, we need you. The toilet had a small leak and Jerry, my husband, the moron, thought he could fix it. I told him he couldn't but he wouldn't listen. Like he ever does, he's so . . .
Guy Voice: (picks up extension) I didn't do anything, OK? She had a wrench . . .
Woman Voice: Get off the phone Jerry, now. Get off or I. . . (guy hangs up)
Woman Voice (cont): Sorry. (deep breaths) Now every time we flush, brown water pours out the kitchen sink. How could that be? It smells, it's gross. God. I could kill him, really, I swear, he's such a . . . . Sorry. Listen to me. Do I sound desperate? I am desperate. Please, just call. Call. OK? Call. Call us. Thankyou. Please call.
B-Take:
For reasons we're still not clear on, we've managed to persuade a plumber we know to let us listen to some of his customer voicemails. This is one of them.
If possible, the woman on the machine sounded more frazzled, more out-of-her-mind freaked than the written words capture. We asked the plumber if he'd let us upload the audio -- we begged; it was that good -- but he wouldn't. The "transcript" is as far as he'll go.
Our take? She's a freakazoid, no? We're glad we're not married to her. We're glad we don't live with her. We're glad we don't know her. We're glad we're not her plumber.
The Plumber (he also required us not to use his name or say anything that might reveal his identity, like we're secret operatives, or he's our 'deep throat', or, more accurately, our deep 'plunger')...anyway, he says he's done work for this couple for several years. He says they're always fighting -- he once went there and the woman was throwing napkin holders at her husband. (We asked him, what are napkin holders, and he shrugged, like we were idiots. They're heavy, he said, metal, and they were hitting the guy hard in the head.)
This freaked couple paid a lot, the Plumber said. But he didn't end up responding to their recorded messages. He was sick of them, her especially, he said, and didn't want the hassle. She was a babe, though, he said. Kind of a cross between Rachel McAdams and Connie Nielsen. (We were impressed he was so up on current movie stars. We could barely remember who Rachel McAdams was, and it was only when we got back to the office and got onto imdb.com were we "refreshed." She's the one who was in Wedding Crashers.)
The Plumber says he receives about 5-10 of these "freak out" calls a month. (We've heard a few, and they're definitely wild.) He says he probably returns about half of them. Sometimes, when he calls back, the people calm down. Other times, they're even more out of control, like the time last month a guy was out of his mind frightened because somehow he found "fish" (actually they were pieces of rotting pipe or insulation) "swimming" in his toilet bowl and sink. The guy, he said, was literally crying -- on the phone and when he finally got to the house.
We asked the Plumber, what percentage of problems does he fix that could've easily been fixed by the homeowner? He said probably 50%+. Sometimes he'll get to houses, and the only thing needed is a jiggle of the toilet flusher or a resetting of the tank plunger. Ten seconds and done. Or the water valve was inadvertantly turned off below the toilet tank and the panicked homeowners think they've lost all water pressure in the house. A quick turn of the knob -- 15 seconds and $120 later -- and all is solved.
The Plumber says he can't believe how inept many people are, like they almost can't screw in a lightbulb. Most people could save a fortune if they looked online to see how basic stuff is done. Or checked out a few magazines. Even if they looked inside the toilet tank, for example; they'd realize how easy and obvious certain mechanisms are to fix themselves.
How can customers have a better chance of getting their calls returned? The Plumber says it's simple. Roll the dice. We laughed (though we didn't think it was funny -- in fact we thought, we do think, it's true). But then, he said, be nice, be respectful. He'll return most of those peoples' calls. Eventually.
Calling constantly, leaving endless messages? The kiss of death, he says. For every real emergency, he'll get 10 people calling about minor idiotic things, acting as if their houses are exploding, like their needs are the most important on the planet. People who leave message after message for those kinds of jobs -- no chance. He'll either delete them, or save them and listen later to the escalating nuttiness for entertainment or, now that he knows us (we hope), save them and let us listen with him. ...overhear more
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