- submitted by L. Keenan on 07/30/2008
What Does Your Car Really Say About You?
By Linda Keenan
As the proud owner of two very used vehicles I found on Craig's List, I'll be the first to admit that I know precious little about cars or car culture. But still, I want to pose the question: What car are you? These are broad and possibly misinformed characterizations, so feel free to correct me or elaborate in the comment section!
You think you're fashionable and maybe you were - in 2002. You are New Money, or, more likely, No Money, because while you might call yourself "highly-leveraged," the rest of us now call you shameless debt-beats. It's important for everyone you don't know to know that you matter. The words "Inconvenient Truth" mean nothing to you. You are..... a Hummer!
You are a virgin because you are married to Christ. You look for fuel efficiency, a modest price, and a minimum of flash. Classical or devotional music is likely playing in the car and it's not coming from an iPod, but maybe a handful of carefully-tended cassettes. You are..... a Ford Focus! (This is actually true to some extent; a nun memorably told the guys from Car Talk that the Ford Focus is a fave among the chaste.)
You have scads of money, and you have a healthy amount of self-loathing about it. You want an impressive car but you want to be tasteful about it and couch your decision to buy a nice car as a choice about safety, not luxury. You will vote for Obama, but bitch and moan privately if he raises taxes on the wealthy, because, surprise! You are wealthy.
You think you value diversity, but you have few if any black friends. Your child doesn't even know what a cigarette is because he has never, ever seen anyone smoke one. You are......a Volvo! (If this sounds a little harsh, keep in mind that one of my used cars is, in fact, a low-end Volvo.)
You are a suburban Hasidic mommy of many. You have been pregnant more or less non-stop for the last 14 years. You have never shaken a man's hand, other than your husband and immediate relatives, and you never will. You have a large collection of seamed stockings and a damned itchy wig. You jam-pack the Wal-Mart in Airmont, New York, on Sundays, of course. You are a.......wood-paneled station-wagon from the 70's!
(Full disclosure - it's been a few years since I've been to Monsey, New York, Hasidic suburban paradise, and the moms there might have upgraded by now. But the times I've been there, I've never seen so many wood-paneled station wagons in one place in my life.
You are a college student and can't even fathom having to support yourself in a few years. Your parents offered to buy you a used car but that wasn't mint enough for you. Besides, paying the car insurance for a 20-year-old would mean you can't go the Cheesecake Factory every other night. You need to go pick up a keg for your college party tonight and the only place your ID will work is at the BJ's out in the ‘burbs. You are a...... Zipcar!
You couldn't care less about the environment but you're the most eco-friendly people in the suburbs, far and away. You were car-pooling to work with your other hard-working South Asian buddies when gas was still $2.50 a gallon and now you're laughing your way to the bank.
You care nothing about status, unless status is measured in caste, savings account balance or SAT scores. You are a.......beat-up Honda Civic, freighting four engineers and maybe one shared iPod (shuffle) featuring Bollywood's best. (These are my husband's co-workers.)
You are a former Dead Head and while you do care about the environment and fuel-efficiency, you're hardly single-issue: your beliefs form a constellation of liberal thought. You are much more likely than others to have an Obama bumper sticker and to be playing public radio.
You know who Garrison Keillor is. While you are resolutely anti-consumerist, you strangely still like to "feel" something about your possessions. You want to own things that are signifiers of your worldview. You are a......VW Jetta!
You are a true environmentalist and didn't need Al Gore to make you one. You are an early-adopter and jumped on energy-saving technology as soon as it hit the road, or even before. You think to yourself, I bought this car because I cared about the environment, and now that gas is 4 bucks everyone wants one because they care about gas prices. Suckers with no foresight or conscience! You are a.....Toyota Prius!
You may be a redneck if you have this car, but you also might be a weekend warrior with a white-collar job who likes to get his ‘man on' off-hours. You treat this behemoth like a Faberge egg. You won't let your wife near it. You play Kid Rock or Nickelback and muse about ex-girlfriends in it.
You have a lot of space for things like lumber but you almost never use it. You're dying to do some damage at a real Monster Truck Competition. You are a......jacked-up Dodge Ram with balloon tires!
Again, I'm car-clueless so hopefully you'll cut me some slack on my characterizations. Feel free to mow me down in the comment section!
Linda Keenan is a contributing writer at Burbia. Linda worked 7 years as a head writer/senior producer for various programs on CNN. Before that she worked as a writer/producer for Bloomberg TV. She now writes satire, primarily about parenting culture, at Thoroughly Modern Mommy ...read more rants
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