Of all the scourges of history we never thought we'd see again, who would've guessed pirates would be making a comeback? I'm not talking about the stereotyped, Disneyfied, Caribbean ones who get their swag from SAG -- nope, the Somali pirates are the real deal and business, as they say, is booming.
You've got to give these modern pirates credit; as the world's credit markets tank, the pirates are making a killing off of ransoms paid out all too quickly by wimpy, powdery-wigged (one would assume) shipping company overlords. That's pretty much all the killing they do, by the way. In fact, maybe these latter-day swashbucklers have hit on a formula that works: don't kill people, just inconvenience them a little... and by "them", I don't mean everyday folks like you or me. It's wealthy shipping company CEOs who are the main targets here, and though they may need to pay a few million in ransom once in a while you can bet a bottle of rum they'll get their bonuses regardless.
Steve Levenstein was born & raised at the then-northern edge of metro Toronto...
read moreThe more I ponder the whole situation (between swigs of Captain Morgan), the better the pirates are looking. Here's a little Pirate PR 101 for you:
• It's in the pirates' best interest NOT to harm the crews of the hijacked ships, as they along with their ships can be ransomed. Crews have stated that they've been treated well for the most part during their stay as guests of the pirates.
• The pirates play the role of the underdog and everyone loves an underdog. Miserably poor Somalia, a wretched place even before the last official government was overthrown in 1990, doesn't offer a host of appealing job prospects. Detain a ship for a while, collect a payment and let the ship & crew go on their merry way, no biggie. It keeps the lads occupied -- and out of Al Qaeda training camps.
• Those rapacious shipping companies, bah humbug! How nice it is to cruise along the Somali coast without even a backward glance towards the plight of the people on shore, scrounging the beach for their next meal. Say there Onassis, consider paying them a transit fee, or a toll? Doing that might've avoided the whole mess in the first place.
It also seems these so-called pirates really aren't that piratical at all... they sure don't conform to Stephen Colbert's description: eyepatch-wearing, rum-guzzling, shipmate-buggering peg-leggers with parrot poop layered thick on their shoulders. No plank-walking, no tying scurvy dogs to the yardarm... neither scurvy nor yardarms, if truth be told. No sinister yet romantic Black Pearl brigantines flying the Jolly Roger. Not even the occasional "ARRRR!" growled in anger. What gives? We were brought up to despise pirates and these dudes aren't following the script. No wonder the combined navies of a half-dozen nations have got their spinnakers in a collective knot over how to handle them... and they've been doing a splendid job so far, haven't they?
Methinks there be -- sorry, couldn't help it -- I think there may be an opportunity here to exploit the pirate mystique for mutual benefit. They've already got colorful characters: head of the Suleiman pirate clan Mohamed Abdi Hassan's nickname is "Big Mouth", for instance. Hey Hollywood, how about this: Pay one of the pirate gangs a few doubloons to embed a reporter and a cameraman as they go about their merry ship-seizing ways. It'll be the ultimate reality show! Call it Surviv-ARRR!, or Pirates of the Somali-ish Main, or even Biggest Loser Shipping Magnates. The devilish derring-do of drama on the high seas -- a guaranteed ratings winner if ever there was. Everyone including Jerry Seinfeld will want to be a pirate so start cranking out puffy shirts. Yo ho ho and a bottle of... blast, it's empty! ...read more blogs
36 likes 
