- submitted by a.savona on 09/24/2009
What It Means To Be A Suburban Man
By Anthony Savona
Esquire magazine recently listed the qualities that it takes to be a real man, some of which I had (good article!), and some of which I did not (jerks!). Still, it got me thinking about what it takes to be a real suburban man -- a whole different animal than your typical male. So, here are a few thoughts on the subject. Once again, I possess some of these qualities (good article!), but not all of them (jerk!).
Gas or charcoal? Who cares -- both have benefits, and the true suburban man can make both work. And he can do it in his cargo shorts and sandals, which he knows looks a little silly, but could care less.
The suburban man is prepared to eliminate any household/yard annoyance at a moment's notice, either by killing it or flinging it over the fence and into the sump.
He knows at least four different routes between his house and the mall, and can beat the traffic the week before Christmas and the day before Mother's Day. And, speaking of his time in the car, he knows this is usually key time to discuss matters with the kids and wife. Barring that, he knows to turn the radio up real loud and sing along with it -- getting most of the words wrong, but still selling it.
He can think of at least three yard games to play with his kids using either a ball, a stick, or a fence. And will sacrifice a portion of his yard work time to teach them thing or two about yard games. And if they are still bored, he drafts them into helping complete the yard work.
When he's ready, he can pick up the sound of an ice cream man two blocks over. If he's not, he can fake not hearing the truck even if it were parked in his driveway. And he never chases -- if the ice cream man wants the sale bad enough, the suburban man knows he'll be back.
The true suburban man knows the where the line is on holiday decorating; the line between festive and an over-the-top mess. Speaking of holidays, he makes a mental note of all local parades so he can attend/avoid as needed.
He loves his everyday life away from the pressures of city living, but appreciates his proximity enough to take advantage of all it offers.
If he's a commuter, the true suburban man makes peace with his trek, using it as valuable "me time" between the family and the job.
So there you go; at least that's my take. Now let's hear from you -- what do you think it takes to be a true suburban man? Ladies -- let's hear from you to. Chime in using the comments box below.
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If you take John Mellencamp's (or whatever he was called back then) song "Small Town," and changed the "small town" lyric to "suburbs," then you'd pretty much get Anthony Savona's life. Born and raised in the 'burbs, Anthony currently raises his family in suburbia and works in the Big City as Editorial and Creative Director for a mid-sized B2B publishing company.
If you Google his name (or the variation "Tony Savona"), he is the one credited with the book Console Confessions and the magazines EQ, Surround Professional, Car Sound & Performance, and so on. He is not the one involved in any class action lawsuits, the "DC Application Details" (whatever that is), or the Office Manager for Office of the Prime Minister (who really seems to be a Tony Savona that has made something of himself).
His essays have appeared in GQ magazine (a long time ago, but it still counts) and director Kevin Smith's unfortunately named entertainment news site, Movie Poop Shoot (now the less scatologically named Quick Stop Entertainment)....read more rants
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