B-Rant

- submitted by s.levenstein on 01/19/2012

  
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Doormats With Attitude: Top 10 Most 'Unwelcome' Welcome Mats

By Steve Levenstein

Laying out the welcome mat ain't what it used to be. What with god-squad pamphleteers, political campaigners and solicitors of all kinds knocking on our front doors, we as a society are starting to feel decidedly unwelcoming. These ten "unwelcome mats" tell the knockers to knock it off so you won't have to.

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10) After many decades of use, nobody really takes the "welcome" on welcome mats seriously. We just tune it out, like health warnings on cigarettes or the "stop" on stop signs. Changing things up is a great way to jar someone out of their complacency, however, which is just what you want when you lay out this straight-talking unwelcome mat.

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9) Say you're a traveling salesman or some such and you're nearing the end of a really tough day filled with rudeness, rejection and worst of all, being totally ignored. Just one more house on your route - could things be looking up? Not when you look down and see THIS mat.

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8) How does one deal with an offensive army of noisy door-knockers? If you're urban artist Wendy Cook, you get your OWN army - or even better, a doormat made of hundreds of tiny green plastic army men. What better way to say "Don't Tread On Me"?

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7) If you don't want people stepping on your doormat, turn it into something people don't want to step on - such as everyone's worst enemy, the scale. Add insult to injury by adjusting the mechanism so that it adds 20 pounds or so to their actual weight.

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6) Now this was a harmless concept when it was first thought up, which was probably before miniature spy cams (and the accompanying lawsuits) were invented.

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5) From the overly affectionate, killin' ya with kindness school of thought epitomized by annoyingly clingy Ned Ryerson from the film Groundhog Day (bing!) comes this sickeningly sweet come hither of a welcome mat. "Butter my butt" indeed... you'll be losing your appetite mighty quick when the Mr. (or Mrs.) T of the house answers your knock.

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4) Arrrr!! Don't ye be seeking any booty at this address, matey. Anyone brave (or dumb) enough to disturb this pirate's privacy will wind up with a sunken chest (and not in a good way), or be facing a door that opens to reveal the mouth of a cannon ala Loony Tunes. Yo ho holy sh.......

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3) When dealing with a persistent pest or just the in-laws again (one and the same, for some), it's always a good idea to get them off their game - and your doorstep - through distraction and confusion. That's where the Doormat In Denial comes in. Unsure whether to step on the self-deluded doormat, they may elect instead to just step away.

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2) You've heard the old expression "Let sleeping dogs lie"? Take it to heart and stay off this doormat. It could be argued that the contoured, 3D aspect of the mat makes it ideal for scraping off mud-encrusted boots, but what sort of canine-opath would dare do such a thing? The kind you don't want to open your door to, that's who.

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1) Now this is one place the Girl Guides, at least, will do well to steer clear from. On the bright side, and for those who like to look at life as a glass half full, they do suggest visitors "come back".

(source)

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Want to see a few more mats of varying degrees of hostility or wackiness? Check out these -- not exactly your typical 'welcoming' mats...listed in no particular order and without editorial comment:

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Steve Levenstein was born & raised at the then-northern edge of metro Toronto, Canada. Looking through the prism of the suburbs has not only given him a slightly skewed view of society, but has also helped frame the wider world as a series of variations on a theme. Closer to home, Toronto's multicultural mix acts as a rich, vibrant tonic -- an essential elixer that, by putting people out of their place, highlights the common humanity which lies within.

After a 15-year dip in the corporate pool, Steve abandoned the daily commute to focus on his first love, writing, and spending time with his family. Steve's wife of 18 years hails from Tokyo, Japan, and provides a unique window into the delights and diversions of modern Japanese culture while his 2 sons (the younger an established tech blogger in his own right) help keep the house from getting too quiet. Steve writes for a number of respected blogs including InventorSpot, WebUrbanist, Dark Roasted Blend and The Thinking Blog


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