B-Rant

- submitted by a.vernon on 06/10/2009

  

Why Video Telephony Will Never Catch On

I've recently gotten into using Skype for calls for work (I know, took me long enough), and it's a really handy tool. You can video conference, you can IM chat, you can talk -- it's like having IM, a video phone and a regular phone all in one, on your 'puter.

But one thing I've noticed -- people rarely use the video option. In fact, I've only used Skype once with the video option. And on GTalk, I've only used the video option when I was away and spoke to my husband and children each night. The kids loved seeing mommy.

And you know what? I totally get why no one wants to video conference. People are freakin' VAIN. Plus, in our attention-deficit society, is anyone ever really giving you their undivided attention?

Let's take the first, first: Vanity.

The one teleconference I had with a potential client, I started getting really self-conscious about how I looked during the call. But everytime I glanced at the screen-within-the-screen to make sure my hair wasn't doing something weird or the angle wasn't giving me an extra chin, I wasn't looking at the camera, so the folks I was talking with could see I wasn't looking at them, so to speak. Of course, I was looking more directly at them than when I was gazing into the camera, which is right above my computer screen on my laptop.

In Infinite Jest, which I happen to be reading right now and takes place in a not-so-distant future, the narrator explains how video telephony all fell apart by first discussing all the cottage industries that grew up in support of it -- the mask makers, in particular. They start out just looking exactly like the wearer, but with brushed hair and no bags under the eyes. As time went on, they began to look like the wearer perhaps had undergone plastic surgery -- no wrinkles, better nose, higher cheekbones, maybe. Eventually, the masks (which could conceal the entire body, of course) bore no real resemblance to the person wearing them, and the person on the phone might be picking his or her nose and wearing no pants while eating sushi and the person on the other end would never know.

Of course, that's just fine, because the person on the other end was probably also pantsless and eating, say, bacon. And also maybe hadn't showered in a couple of weeks.

Which brings me to the second reason video telephony can't really work (which also is wonderfully dissected in Infinite Jest): Do you really want to know when the person on the other end is doing a crossword puzzle while talking to you?

I am the queen of multitasking. When I'm talking on the phone (except to you, of course!), I'm usually doing at least one other thing. Maybe I'm on Digg.com, maybe scanning Twitter, maybe playing a web-based game, maybe writing a piece for Burbia.com. I might even be making lunch for the kids or drawing the 12,000th coconut tree my son has asked me to sketch for him so he can scribble all over it.

Point is, I have a hard time doing one thing at a time. I blame MTV.

But if you're talking to me on the phone, you want at least the illusion that I'm giving you my undivided attention, right? (I swear, whenever we're talking, I'm only paying attention to you, I'm talking about all my OTHER phone calls.) Because you're not giving me your undivided attention, are you? (Well, you are paying attention to me, I know, but all the other people. Except the 'rents, whom you absolutely, positively are paying 100 percent attention to, of course.)

That carefully crafted illusion is completely shattered if you can see the person you're talking to. So you either have to go back to those body masks or just say, "Hey, why don't we forget about this video conference thing and just, you know, talk?"

Look, sometimes it's good to have the video conference; if you're working for someone and have never met them face-to-face, it's good to have an initial call where you can see each other and put a face to the name. But next time, fire up the Minesweeper and try not to get blown up while you have your chat.

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Amy Vernon is a contributing writer at Burbia and a regular blogger.

Amy grew up on Long Island and has lived in the Chicago, Miami, Phoenix and New York metropolitan areas at various points in her life. In other words, she's spent her entire life in the suburbs, except that summer she interned for The Courier-Journal in Kentucky, though the Louisville neighborhood she lived in seemed pretty dang suburban.

She has a bachelor of science in journalism (that's a B.S. in journalism, get it?) from Northwestern University and worked for newspapers as a reporter, editor and blogger for nearly 20 years before she was laid off in the great newspaper culling of 2008.

Amy now works from home as a freelance consultant and writer with her husband, a writer/actor/stay-at-home father who has taken on the additional role of office manager as she settles into her new life. Her older son, Rafael, loves zebras, giraffes and elephants, while the younger, Markus, is utterly obsessed with the "Chicka Chicka Boom Boom" book and DVD.

Got all that? You can find Amy online waxing poetic about television -- particularly 24, Battlestar Galactica and Lost, not necessarily in that order -- at The TV Tyrant or follow her on Twitter @amyvernon...read more rants