[Burbia Satire Wire] Miami, October 30 - Gary Schlitzner, of Conshohocken, PA, sealed his third straight Reebock World's Weakest (Non-Disabled) Man Competition when he failed to hoist a 15-pound pumpkin over his head and needed his girlfriend, Brianna, to help him lower the pumpkin from his waistline to "protect against hernia injury."

Schlitzner earned 5 points in the event to edge out Sweden's Sven Llagerveldt with 26 points to Llagerveldt's 24. Gary Schmidt, Poland's beloved weakling and a former champion, finished third with 21 points.

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Schlitnzer attributed his victory to six months of focused training that entailed, he said, "constant immobility, hours of undisturbed t.v. watching, daily supervised beer consumption" and, thanking his girlfriend, "sex several times a day."

Schlitnzer said he goes into "a zone" for his preparations annually, carefully tracking his diminishing strength from, for instance, his pre-training capacity to perform about 15 situps, to his final ability to perform none.

In the championship's pushup event, Schlitzner distinguished himself by failing to raise his body off the ground even perceptibly. For that the judges, exercising their discretion, awarded him an unusual, extra 6th point, surprising Schlitzner and delighting his loyal fans.

Schlitzner was expected easily to win the arm-wrestling competition (open to all participants), an event he's dominated in the past. He did not disappoint: six-year old Svetlana Toltsoyakovich of Russia instantly snapped his arm down so hard on the flat table surface there were fears she'd fractured Schlitzer's wrist.

Schlitzner shrieked an obscenity in Russian, prompting Toltosyakovich to leap across the table and throw him to the ground, where she commenced to pounding his head against the cement floor mercilessly before handlers intervened and finally pulled her off. By all accounts, Schlitzner was badly shaken, but medically cleared to continue.

There was a tense moment in the Schlitzner camp when Schlitzner, in the penultimate event, unexpectedly managed to haul a child's toy wagon that was filled with sixteen helium-filled balloons nearly fifteen feet, before collapsing in utter exhaustion. This surprising display of strength earned him just three points, forcing his hand in the competition's final challenge.

In the last event, the ageless chin-up competition, Schlitzner delighted (and relieved) his fans by requiring two spotters to lift him to the bar (at a height of 6.5 feet, well within his reach), and then failing to support his weight whatsoever.

Loosening his grip and shaking his head, Schlitzner walked away in defeat (this meant victory, of course, and another five decisive points).

With his fans converging on him and about to leap on him joyously, Schlitzner fell to the ground, preemptively, disappointing them.

Later he indicated through representatives his plans to "rest and recuperate" before committing to another defense of his title....read more blogs