B-Rant

- submitted by . on 11/19/2009

  

A Gift And Investment Buying Opportunity Stupider Than Auto Stocks?

Not too long ago we received a spam promo-ad that was so comically moronic -- and ill timed -- we couldn't ignore it. From the same people who brought us the uncomprehendingly tacky Obama Victory Plates* comes this 1-time opportunity to buy the "rare,"  "extraordinary" and "magnificent" newly minted fake Buffalo Dollar commemorative coins.

We appreciated the offer not just because the product itself was silly -- in times of economic distress makes perfect sense to shell out bucks for fake coins of no value or historic or collectible significance.** But the promo itself, the descriptions, inducements were what really got our attention. [Here's the PROMO LINK. An excerpt is below.]

Here are the highlights -- Promo tags for the coin, followed by our interpretation/comments in italics:

• This Extraordinary, Magnificent "Collectible" [can't be called a coin because that has legal value] comes straight from The National Collector's Mint  [not to be confused with the U.S. Mint or anything official or related to real money, even though we're absolutely trying to confuse you; think, a few guys in a garage that may or may not be located in the U.S.]
  
  
• The "coin" is 100% Guaranteed, with a Certificate of Authenticity issued by The National Collectior's Mint  [officially certifying by the fake mint that the fake coin is in fact...fake? Thank God for that because we wouldn't want to pay this money for a real coin, that would totally suck.]

• Promise: The "coin" is 0.999 Pure Silver Plated Quality  [Who's going to miss the other small percentage of missing silver plating?  Paint it if you want it to look all silver. 100% near-fully silver plated quality.]

• The "coin" is a genuine Collectible Milestone because it's the first coin [fake coin] minted [not really minted; remember, guys in garage, maybe a tool shed] to bear the image of the buffalo since the real U.S. Minted Buffalo nickel.  [So, if we fired up some "coins" of porcupines, let's say, an animal which to our knowledge hasn't ever appeared on a real U.S. coin, that's gotta be way more valuable, right? A f-ing mega collectible milestone.]

• Rare. Very Rare. Fewer of these "coins" will be "minted" than the actual original real U.S. Minted Coins -- making it rarer than the real originals  [Excellent, there are fewer worthless pieces of junk coins than there were of the valuable real coins. Let's buy them up, corner the market, then sell everything for all they're (not) worth.]

• This is a Copy. Each coin bears the unique This is a "Copy" inscription required by Federal Law. [Not exactly a tout. But, trust us, it's going to be as small as legally possible, probably smaller because who in the Federal Government now has time to measure fake coin inscription height.]

Like any eager non-coin collector, we've ordered one. Of course, we "must act NOW." The sooner the better because, as the promo explains, each collectible "coin" features a registration number, with the "earliest orders receiving the lowest registration numbers."

And while the earlier numbers in fact have no real meaning -- no more value (or, more accurately, no less worthlessness) than the higher numbers -- the promoters do make a big deal about it. So we want to make sure we don't get some loser high number, which would be embarrassing as hell when we start "presenting" our coin in its "deluxe velvet presentation case" to all our friends and family and work colleagues...who probably know that high numbers are way suckier than low numbers because...they just are.

Here's an excerpt of the promo ad:

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*The promo of the Obama Victory Plates got some attention. Here's the promo itself. If you haven't seen the video (below) it's definitely entertaining. Among its many idiocies: An official Certificate of Authenticity for each plate is issued by the "American Historic Society." Nice. In fact, the American Historic Society is the company that actually makes the plates. (Not the legit organization of real historians called, The American Historical Association.) So, we're promised a certficate from the manufacturer guaranteeing that the plate is what, exactly?...made by the manufacturer? As opposed to a different manufacturer? Perfect. Order us 1000!

**How much do the coins cost? From our POV almost anything above zero is too much. But it's a bit more than zero. $9.95 for each coin. $6.95 for handling & shipping of each coin. So, if you buy 5 coins, you're paying separate S&H fees for each of the 5. Good deal! Additional undisclosed cost for the carrying case. Potential additional costs for shipping, taxes, other hidden fees.
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